Here Are the Research Headlines I Want to See

1. People Who Live in Multistory Homes Live Longer
   "Researchers at the University of Elderberry have found that the frustrating fact that what a person wants is always on a different story of their home than where they are means that muscle tone is..."

2. Waiting Lowers Blood Pressure
  "Long waits at the doctor's office or the repair shop cause a drop in parental blood pressure as forced relaxation kicks in, a study at Mary-Mariman Hospital finds..."

3. Taking Vitamins Guarantees Health
   "The simple act of taking a pill every day works to lessen stress on the body, leading scientist Art Griswold announced today. 'It's a faith thing," Griswold said. "If you believe you're doing right, your body reacts to that belief, releasing toxins and healing itself.'"

Are any of those true? No, but in a perfect world they would be.


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